This is probably the most difficult year of my entire life. I’m not saying that I had an easy life before my husband’s death, but I now I must depend on me alone to get through the day-to-day stuff.
The first night was difficult as I was alone with no possibility of him returning to me. I could not sleep and felt like I needed to do so much without any help. He knew he was dying because he had End-Stage Renal Failure, Congestive Heart Failure, and Diabetes. For about 5 years, he had mounting health issues that included a triple-by-pass, 2 stents, at least 2 strokes, loss of movement in his left arm, and a host of other problems. My story is a little different from most widows who are younger because his death was expected. Although it was expected, it was still a shock.
One of the things that I am so happy he did before he died was that he planned for his final wishes. He arranged all the funeral home items which made it so easy when visiting the funeral home. His plan was to be cremated with several death certificates ordered, but he did not want a funeral. If you knew him, you would understand why as funerals are so down and depressing which did not fit his personality very well.
Here are some things that I have found out from my year.
Every Day
1) Every day I am reminded of him. Simple things like dinner, a TV show, or a comment someone says make me think of him.
Laugh
2) There are times that I want to share memories that make me laugh or smile. When I share, I am not looking for an “I’m sorry,” or a “This must be hard.” I want others to laugh and smile with me.
Guilty
3) I feel guilty for not doing things with him. My health, my housekeeping, my emotions, and other aspects of my life have changed for the better. I wish I would have done this, so he could have seen me change. Why didn’t I change things sooner?
New Normal
4) It still seems strange when my kids ask for permission to do something. I want to ask for his opinion, but I need to answer the question without his input.
Don’t Feel Sorry For Me
5) Don’t feel sorry for me. Being alive is wonderful. Yes, I miss him, but I am not consumed with grief.
Alone Time
6) There are times when I really just need to be alone. Don’t pressure me to be with others when I need this time to reflect. In the past, alone time tended to be with my husband, but now that time is just as precious. It has nothing to do with you and everything about me.
Talk vs. Silence
7) Sometimes I want to talk about my husband and other times I want to remain silent. It helps if people ask how I am doing and if I would like to share my ideas and concerns. Be patient, as I am not sure what will happen. I might cry, laugh, or confuse others. My thoughts might not be coherent to the listener, but I might like to share my thoughts anyway.
Cry
8) I cry over silly things. Maybe I’m walking with my kids and my mind wanders to him. Things that would seem of no significance might cause me to cry, and that is annoying.
His life was important, and he touched more people than he ever thought he did. He will never be forgotten. At least I won’t forget him and neither will our children.
Have you lost someone close to you? Do you have any ideas to help get through the grief? I would love to hear your comments about this.
